I am at an intersection – a unique place of ending and beginning. . . the corner of the familiar and the future. Days of being a much needed Mommy are coming to a close. They have been ebbing away for quite a while but it seems that my Sweet Girl becoming a wife closes the door with a bit more of a hushed goodbye than her exiting for another year of college.
It’s an end to an era of cuddles on the couch, brushing her hair out of her face when she doesn’t feel good, and keeping her room exactly like it is for the next time she comes home. It’s the beginning of preparing for visits from the newlyweds and Brett and I finding our footing in this last stage of empty nesting.
I’m thrilled for the new life that awaits her but I simultaneously ache for the warmth of the life that has already passed. All too quickly she has grown from a delightful, sweet child into a wonderful, vibrant woman. I’m going to be sad not to have a ringside seat for all the changes that are coming her way and the idea of peeking at her life as it is displayed on facebook and Instagram makes the melancholy run down my face.
We’re at an intersection – leaving behind and moving forward. She’s leaving behind rural living to move to the city, a place far more suited to her eclectic little life palette. She loves the busyness of it all—the people, the sounds. She even likes too much light shining in her bedroom window now but I know that in that urban setting . . .her heart will remember a sky filled with too many stars to count. I’m hoping she’ll remember the fireflies that lit up the trees across the road like Christmas lights and the ones she trapped in mason jars before they became symbols of shabby chic and kitschy drinking glasses.
I’m hoping that when she’s navigating the traffic, lanes filled with cars and activity, there will be a part of her that will have a small urge for the quietness of Biddinger Boulevard. The place that deer would walk up to the back deck and I would convince her Santa had sent them to check on her. The place where Barbie shopping centers grew into empires and the American Girls lived. The home where her love for the magic of following A Rabbit in the Garden changed over the years to a love of following the White Rabbit and the magic of Wonderland.
I’m at an intersection—voices of the past echoing and new songs forming for the future. Celebrating that her soon to be husband knows her so well that he bought her a record player for a wedding gift while tilting my head to eavesdrop on the past and hearing the creepiness of Little Mary Fagan move from Nanny’s lips through my heart to meet her ears. And somewhere along the way, my mind swallows up those eerie notes and they are replaced by the theme song from Gilmore Girls and then quickly segue’ –appropriately I might add—into the voice of Taylor Swift as I crack open my favorite old card from years ago and hear . . . all my best days are with you.
Straining my ear backward to listen in one more time as Sleeping Beauty thuds to the kitchen floor and the Handsome Prince rolls his wheelchair to her rescue while simultaneously hearing the Bride-to-be make honeymoon plans with the red-haired Boy on the other end of the phone. Leaning into the past to hear her giggle as Uncle Scar and Don Karnage make an appearance through her Daddy’s voice and listening to one song after another play on the computer as they try to pick the perfect one for the Father-Daughter dance that is coming so quickly.
We’re at an intersection . . . beautiful memories in the rearview mirror and new scenery just ahead. Remembering so vividly the big vocabulary of the tiny blond-haired toddler of the past and seeing the brilliance of the young writer who speaks with such insight in the here and now—wondering what the future will hold. Reminiscing about the little one who rode on the power chair’s battery pack with her Daddy manning the controls and having my eyes fall on the wedding dress she will wear as she walks beside his power chair down the aisle. Looking back in delight at the little girl she was and gazing with wonder at the young woman she is –so beautiful, so breathtaking.
I’m at an intersection . . .and no matter which way I look –behind me or before me—I see Jesus. I see a heritage of life . . . redemption then and freedom now. I see Love . . .mercy yesterday and grace today. Rather I gaze forward or backward . . . I see Him. My God whose blessing cannot be contained and whose promises for joy and life abundant know no time constraints. I see Him and my heart rejoices that His love toward me reaches beyond me and His grace is bigger than my mistakes. I see Him and my heart cries out in praise that He has changed her faith heritage –redeemed our family line—and His love extends to a thousand generations of those who love Him. – And I smile at the blessing in the distance—knowing that when little red-haired grandchildren arrive someday they will be the first generation to be born into a family of full throttle Christ followers. Oh Lord, I stand at the crossroads, the intersection . . . the corner of the familiar and the future . . . and I am utterly amazed by Your goodness.